Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?

Let’s talk about sex.

There’s sex everywhere nowadays… It's marketed, glorified, and often portrayed as this effortless, steamy, always-satisfying experience. While sex is loud in pop culture, it’s often quiet in real life because it’s surrounded by taboos and misinformation. For many people, sex is still a topic wrapped in shame, confusion, or even fear. And that’s okay. You're not broken if sex seems intimidating. You're not alone if you're unsure, insecure, or just curious. Real sex is often awkward, messy, and imperfect. And that’s normal. It gets better with communication, not comparison. Intimacy is about connection, trust, and what feels right for both people involved.

Let’s dig into what sex is and what it isn't. We are going to debunk a few common myths. 

1. Losing virginity only happens when there’s penetration with a penis. Virginity is a social construct, a cultural concept. Heteronormative cultures often define "losing virginity" as penis-in-vagina sex, which excludes same-sex sexual experiences, oral sex, anal sex, and mutual masturbation. It’s also based on the idea that a broken hymen "proves" a woman is no longer a virgin. However medically the hymen can stretch or tear from sports, tampons, or nothing at all. Some are born without one, or it stays intact after intercourse. It’s not a reliable marker of anything.

2. You can’t get pregnant if you are on your period, you pull out, you are in certain positions or using a douche. False, false, false. 99% of women use some sort of contraception. Condoms and hormonal methods such as the pill and IUD remain the most popular and effective type of contraception with about 70–99% accuracy when used correctly. The pull-out method is not considered safe because some men will have pre-ejaculate (pre-cum) that contains sperm, it requires perfect timing and control, and it does not protect against STIs.  

3. It’s supposed to bleed and hurt on your first time. Not necessarily, it can but it doesn’t have to. If after a couple times it still does, you might consider talking to your doctor. About 30 percent of women and seven percent of men report mild pain during sexual intercourse. Vaginal dryness, infection or inflammation, pelvic floor dysfunction, allergies to latex condoms, lubricants, or semen, endometriosis, vaginismus, fibroids or ovarian cysts, Peyronie’s Disease, tight foreskin (Phimosis) are all conditions that can affect someone’s level of pleasure during intercourse. 

4. Everyone is having sex early. The average age of first sexual intercourse is 16-17 years old. But there are still people who decide to wait until they are in their twenties or thirties due to personal or religious beliefs.

5. Everyone orgasms. Men only orgasm around 80% of the time during sexual intercourse while 70% of women rarely or ever orgasm (so only 20-30% do orgasms). Talking about what you like will help both of you to orgasm. Some women attain orgasm through the G-spot, clitoris stimulation, breast massage, etc. You can try using vibrators or porn to help if needed. Open communication and guiding your partner makes the biggest difference.

6. Sex should take between 5-7 minutes. Sex in this context is referred to as heterosexual intravaginal intercourse, measured from the moment of penetration to ejaculation. For most people it takes between 10 to 20 minutes, while others can last for hours. It doesn’t have to be quick, but it can be if you want it to. Foreplay typically lasts longer than intercourse.

7. I don’t have a sex drive, I might be asexual. Medication can lower your sex drive, such as antidepressants or contraceptives. A lot of factors affect our libido, such as stress levels, comfortability with our sexual partner, performance anxiety, body image issues and relationship stress, past sexual trauma, illness and mood etc. 

8. Everyone is hooking up. Men have on average 6-12 partners in their lifetime and women about 3-7. Social trends show variation by generation: Millennials average around 8 partners; Generation X about 10; Baby Boomers around 12. 

9. Lots of people are in an open relationship. Close to half of the population would consider an open relationship but 45% would also leave if their partner would want an open relationship. It’s also important to remember that an open relationship is not the same thing as cheating. There’s boundaries and limits to respect, there needs to be communication and trust, and honesty is the key. If you are considering it, you need to respect each other. Many sex therapists will agree that you shouldn’t do it only because one partner wants to… but because both partners want to.

10. Anal sex is just for homosexuals. Actually, close to 35-45% of people have had anal sex. What matters is that you’re comfortable with it.

11. Everyone has oral sex. Only about 70-80% of the population has engaged in oral sex with an opposite‑sex partner.

12. The size matters. Everyone can have preferences but at the end of the day it’s all about communication and stimulation. The average length of a penis is 3.6 inches when flaccid and 5.16 inches when erect. Girth in these two states averages 3.7 inches and 4.6 inches. 

13. Watching porn is cheating. Only guys watch porn. Around 25% to 50% of porn watchers are female. Porn can be considered cheating if - there’s secrecy, emotional detachment, or sexual avoidance, it replaces intimacy, involves lying, or includes interactions with real time people. It can be considered infidelity if it crosses relationship boundaries, and disrespect religious or cultural values. 

14. Porn is an addiction. Compulsive sexual behavior disorder can be considered an addiction by many when it is causing harm or loss of control, when it is excessive, compulsive, or emotionally avoidant use. If there is an escalation (increase time or intensity), when it starts to interfere with responsibilities and daily life, when there is increased preoccupation with thinking about porn or planning use, and it causes emotional distress such as feelings of shame, guilt, etc. It is important to know that over time, the brain adapts and becomes less responsive to ordinary sexual stimuli. This can lead to delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, reduced arousal to a real-life partner or needing more extreme or specific porn to become aroused. Compulsive porn use can also shift focus from connection to stimulation by reinforcing ideas of sex as something impersonal or transactional, and it can lead to avoidance of vulnerability by offering instant gratification without emotional risk. Which in turn, can make real intimacy feel awkward, difficult, or unnecessary for some people. Higher porn use can correlate with lower sexual satisfaction and emotional intimacy in committed relationships.

15. Most people do BDSM. 5 to 10 percent engage in sadomasochism, around 11 percent of men and 17 percent of women reported trying bondage, 20 percent use masks, blindfolds, and bondage tools during sex. 85% of people had engaged in some kind of light BDSM. Some key principles of BDSM are : Safe, Sane and Consensual which means clear consent, safety and mental readiness. Risks are acknowledged, discussed and agreed upon by all before the act. 

Sex is personal. It’s a skill that gets better with practice and patience, not just technique. Every body is different. Everyone has preferences. 

So let’s keep the conversation going, with less shame and more honesty. Ask questions and check in with your partner. Remember: you’re allowed to take your time, to say no and to change your mind.