What It Really Means to Fall in Love

We ask ourselves what is love?

But we cannot have love without vulnerability. We cannot have love without patience.

Because love it turns out, is not something that happens once.

Every day, it is a choice we need to make.

I define love as an act of courage ; we choose to trust that person enough to be vulnerable with them and we give them the possibility of hurting us. The question is not if I will I get hurt, it is how do we repair?

I describe falling in love as the threshold when the things you didn't particularly like about them at the beginning - you start actually loving about them... because it makes that person special and authentic. And truth be told, you would rather live with those insecurities or those challenges rather than not having them around. Because love does not answer to rules of distance or time.

Which brings me to another point - many people who have not known unconditional love as a child will not know how to react "approprietly" when they do meet someone who can offer them that. Because they have learned that in order to stay safe, physically or emotionnally, they must perform in one way or another. They need to acquire the love, and it is not given freely...or maybe that love is inconsistent.

When those children grow up, they can often reject or fight the love that is offered, since their core beliefs is that I am not good enough & I am only loved when I am needed. That is the wound of attachment trauma.

The avoidance can show up in many different ways - criticism, withdrawal, gatekeeping, cheating, silent treatment, witholding affection, stonewalling, etc. The result is the same : it reinforces their self-fulfilling prophecy.

So how can we connect with others in healthy ways when we have been hurt by love before?

We must learn to connect to ourselves first - by noticing the shift in emotions and sensations in our bodies. Learning to differentiate what is safe and what feels like danger. What is real, and what is a memory. By building our capacity to hold and receive love.

Slowly, we can start trusting the people we choose to love to learn co-regulate and build a healthier foundation for growth & healing. Love is supposed to challenge you & change you.

*Unconditional love does not mean love without kind boundaries.