After the Storm: Healing After Loss

Some things to remember…

1. Grief comes in waves. Make space for it when it comes.

2. Remember, nothing is permanent, including feelings. This shall pass.

3. Acknowledge your emotions - whatever it may be - sadness, anger, disbelief etc.

4. Do things that bring you pleasure and comfort.

5. Talk it out.

Grief is a natural response to loss and the experience of grief is different for everyone. Bereavement is the period of time after a loss when grief is experienced.

Many factors can come into play when we talk about grief…

Is the person still alive or are they dead? 

If they died - did they die naturally, from a chronic illness, by suicide or through Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD)? Was it expected or sudden? 

What was your relationship with the person - enmeshed, conflictual, distant or secure?

Many find that the grief process with Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD) is very different from other types of loss. 

You might find yourself feeling both relieved and angry with that person for “choosing” to leave earlier, and even though you know when it will happen, you probably don’t feel prepared for what’s to come. That is normal. 

You might have difficulty accepting the situation, managing your distress while also trying to be supportive, having difficulty communicating your feelings to others, feeling isolated and frustrated. 

According to Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief are:

1. denial

2. anger

3. bargaining

4. depression

5. acceptance

Grief is not linear and you can move through stages at different periods of time, you might go back and forth between some more than others. 

One thing I found common when it comes to grief is the guilt we feel for acknowledging that they were “less than perfect” as we process our relationship with them in their absence. You might oscillate between guilt and blame ; blame can be towards the person, the circumstances, others or life itself. 

For me personally, what was the most difficult was coming to terms with the very deep anger that grief awakened. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that even though my loved one was doing everything they could to be healthy and survive, the illness still “won” in the end. Not everyone has a second, third or fourth chance at life. Sometimes horrible things happen to good people. 

Some people might believe that if they come to terms with the loss, they might fear that they will “forget” their loved one. This is not the case. The loss will always be there, but your relationship to it can shift from one of pain to one of love.

Grief will ask us to come face to face with the pain, learn new ways to create meaning and gain this new perspective about our loss.

One thing I found incredibly helpful on my journey is to appreciate all the things that I admired about this person, all the things they loved and then integrate it into my life. For instance, their love of music, their favourite recipe, their kindness…People we love are never fully gone when we are able to hold on to pieces of them and make it our own. 

Here are some things you might want to consider if your loved one is still alive but you know their death is inevitably coming soon.

• record their voice : I found that this is one of the first thing that you forget

• ask them to write you letters or birthday cards that you will open after their death

• keep some their clothes sealed : being able to remember their smell after they have passed can be comforting

• spend time with them talking about other things than the “ending”

• communicate the love you have for them, show appreciation for what they have brought to your life, be reminiscent about good memories you shared

• amend and repair any conflict you have if it is safe enough to do so, once they are gone you won’t have the opportunity to share how you are feeling or to hear their perspective

• do not put your own life on pause : although you might feel guilty for not spending all your time with them, it will be incredibly harder to go “back” to it afterwards if you’ve lost touch with your support system and other activities you enjoy. 

You must find a balance between processing the grief vs. letting it consume you. Some people might want to isolate while others need community, both are okay. Notice if you are falling into patterns of avoidance or if you find yourself being unable to live and you’re only surviving. If this is the case, you might want to consider reaching out for professional support. It is normal to spend some time feeling like life is in shades of grey, to lose motivation and energy. However, if your pain is distressing and you find yourself unable to function even after the initial shock of the loss, your grief might be more serious and require additional help.  

You might question yourself if what you are feeling is going to subside one day. It will.

Grief asks to be felt to be set free. The more you resist it, the less it will feel like a hug and the more it will feel like chaos and suffering. Be gentle with yourself. We all have our ways to cope, and whatever you do - you are doing your best. 

“We run from grief because loss scares us, yet our hearts reach towards grief because the broken parts of us want to mend.” 

-Brené Brown