Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Camille
Oct 18, 2024
4 min read

Updated: Jun 19, 2025

Who you were before this relationship is not who you are when you leave. You will never be that same person again, and it will change you drastically. Part of the process is grieving that past version of you.

Violence is a choice - even if it’s unconscious.

If they intentionally harm you repeatedly, they do not respect you.

Psychological & verbal abuse is real abuse.

If you start wishing they would physically hit you so that people would believe you…

I believe you. Find people that believe you.

You are not crazy or overreacting, too "sensitive" or too difficult to love.

They didn’t mean it as a joke and it isn’t a misunderstanding.

Watch how they interact with the world - you will see the patterns, how they treat others behind closed doors.

They cannot blame you for what they do or say. You are not responsible for their actions.

You deserve to feel safe, you deserve to find stability within your relationship.

If they are unable to express their anger without screaming or insulting you, nothing you could do differently would change that.

Extreme jealousy and possessiveness is a form of emotional manipulation.

Consistently making threats to leave you is a way for them to create insecurity and put you in a state of fragility.

They can be both sweet and thoughtful, and still be abusive. Someone can be a good person but a 'bad' partner.

Apology flowers are not going to erase what they did.

If vulnerability is threatening to them, and they associate losing power or control with being weak - it’s a red flag.

If their basic instinct is always to deny and blame - having a healthy relationship is nearly impossible. Communication is not the issue and couple therapy won’t be enough to “fix” it.

Don’t let them isolate you - your friends and family are necessary to your sanity.

Their substance use is not an excuse for how they treat you.

Violence escalates, if they start becoming physically aggressive, do not hesitate to leave the room. Now.

You did not “attract” this situation or this person - nothing in you “deserves” that kind of pain.

Recognizing their past traumas doesn’t mean they have the capacity to change.

You are worth more than what they tell you.

You are not responsible for their healing.

Promising they will stop and wanting to believe them doesn’t mean they will.

You do not need to stay. You do not “owe” them your support or love.

It’s okay to hate that "part" of them, what they did to you was not okay.

You did not know and you couldn’t have known it would lead to this.

The guilt shouldn’t be yours to carry.

You are not responsible for managing their emotions.

Your reaction to their abuse doesn’t make their violence any less real or important.

No matter how stuck you feel, there is a way out.

They always say that leaving an abusive relationship is the most difficult, and it can be...

They remind you that you ruined their life, and they are good at convincing you that you will never find someone who can accept you with your flaws.

They alternate very quickly from telling you they can't live without you, to saying how you are the one responsible for their downfall... They will make promises : they can change if you give them enough time, they are finally ready to start therapy, etc. They might even throw a suicide threat here and there.

Once they realize that your decision is final, that is when there is an increased risk of violence. Please have a safety plan.

You might realize as you start dating again, that what used to excite you - flirting, date nights, getting to know someone new...has now become a source of dread and anxiety. It is normal.

You have to learn to trust again, and your mind is being hypervigilant about all the potential "red flags". What might be minor in someone else's eyes has been associated with betrayal, fear and even possibly violence.

When you do find someone else - your trauma is still there below the surface.

It's difficult to accept the love of someone else when opening up feels like waiting for a punch.

Your nervous system is ready to fight, expecting the worst.

Your body and mind is used to the ups and downs, the conflict and the pain, a 'safe' love feels foreign.

Your communication might need some improvement - either you will be absolutely terrified to speak up, or you will attack. Your fawn or fight response will be on overdrive as a defence mechanism.

After a long period of time of being in such a toxic relationship, you can forget what healthy love should be. You might find yourself starting to react in the same ways your ex-partner did. An abusive relationship is a form of conditioning.

It isn't your fault, and you must take responsibility. Don't repeat the cycle.

Your new partner doesn't deserve to receive the pain that someone else caused you. It's easy to get lost in the memories, to project your anger on them that was never safe to express before.

You are not damaged for needing to take your time to heal.

It can be very triggering to enter a new relationship when you have learned that someone could use your most vulnerable moments against you as a way to hurt you.

If we want a love that is different, to get there we need to look inward and process what we went through.

I thought that because I had the tools to manage the trauma while I was still in the abuse, that it would minimize the impacts. Turns out it doesn't.

My therapist explained it this way - you can be in a cage with a tiger and do all your breathing techniques, but it won't stop the fear or the panic. The fear is real, and it has a purpose. The threat is still in front of you, even if you look away.

At the end of the day, we are accountable to our own healing.

It is a journey, and I am still doing my best, one step at a time.