Finding Peace Within

According to the researcher Brené Brown, guilt can be adaptive and helpful ; it is an emotional signal that our actions go against our values and morals. 

On the other hand, shame is a deeply painful feeling or experience that makes us believe that we are flawed and unworthy. Shame can lead us to engage in destructive and impulsive behaviours. 

Shame makes us feel like we are an outsider, that we are different from others. It can show up as a difficulty to trust others, withdrawing, "people pleasing" or being a "wallflower". Shame can lead to symptoms of depression or anxiety, self-criticism or judgment, perfectionism etc. The underlying mechanism of shame is the belief that you are not "good enough" to receive love, that you are not worthy of belonging or having a sense of connection to others. Shame can stem from trauma and abuse, bullying, chronic criticism from an attachment figure, negligence etc. Shame appears much earlier in our lifespan than guilt.

The antidote to shame is self-compassion. Self-compassion is the idea that we show ourselves understanding when we make mistakes. Self-compassion increases our resilience and ability to cope.

"With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and support we’d give to a good friend."

- Kristin Neff

Mindfulness is a way of being deeply engaged and connected to the present moment. It can be defined as the awareness that rises when we pay attention, with intention and with non-judgment. 

Mindfulness is a form of meditation that originates from Buddhist traditions. It is a body experience of wakefulness. Being mindful requires us to be self-aware and act instead of react. Mindfulness allows us to uncover patterns, recognize and acknowledge our fears, and increase our capacity to recover from stress. Mindfulness allows for brain plasticity, it can help bring a sense of relief and connection to ourselves and others. We can get “lost” in our pain and suffering ; mindfulness helps bring us back to a state of calm.

Mindfulness requires 3 elements : Intention (purpose), Attention and Attitude (open curiosity and kindness). Mindfulness can be described as intentionally paying attention with kindness.

Here is a quote I strongly resonate with : “...In his eyes there was hope, the possibility that he wasn’t just his past actions, that he could choose differently now, that he could change. Transformation is possible, for all of us, no matter what. And it requires kind attention, not shame.” - Shauna Shapiro, The Power of Mindfulness : What You Practice Grows Stronger

Tip : Putting a hand on your heart releases oxytocin. 

Mindfulness gives you an opportunity to change your relationship to discomfort - if you expect your everyday life to be free of discomfort, you will spend all your energy resisting life. Every time we stop and simply notice what is happening inside of us and around us, we disrupt the narrative we hold. 

Body awareness : what internal sensations and what emotional experience are you having, and where does it sit in your body? Emotions show up physiologically in the body and connect to our thoughts. The 'work' is to acknowledge what it is, and reframe a more compassionate perspective of the experience. Mindfulness isn’t about suppressing, denying or avoiding ; it’s about allowing whatever is present to exist and meet it from a place of non-judgement.

How can we show up as our most authentic self, to fully embrace and meet the complexity of life?